I know it’s a buzzword but putting language to what you have lived is a powerful thing. So yes, even if the world is throwing it around ad nauseam, I have to say it. I have lived through gaslighting. I don’t want to say, “I have been a victim” of it because I knew what was happening when it was happening and why it was happening. I knew it was manipulation, but the knowing didn’t save me from the destruction.

What does gaslighting feel like? The only way I can explain the sensation is that you smell smoke and you have the internal urge to get up and run but someone in authority keeps assuring you and everyone around you that there is no fire, what you are all smelling is a barbecue that is getting ready to kick off. What’s happening is not destruction; it’s celebration.

One of the ways that I assessed my sanity during this time was to tell people what was happening in my life. I was measured and calm. I offered no commentary. But when I told people, even people several degrees removed from my life, what had transpired in my world, they wept. One woman kept crying aloud in the phone, “This is wrong! This is not of God!” as I sat on the brick half-wall of a local cafe and tried to console her.

How do you explain to others - and to yourself, for that matter - that what is not of God has been perpetuated by the people of God in the name of God for the glory of God?

I smell smoke.

gaslighting [ gas-lahy-ting ]

noun

the use of psychological manipulation to undermine a person’s faith in their own judgment, memory, or sanity: Gaslighting is not restricted to romantic relationships, but also occurs in friendships and among family members.

the practice of deceiving people through the repetition of a constructed false narrative: It’s not uncommon for victims of gaslighting to argue passionately in favor of the story they’ve been fed.

to be continued…